Man Vs Wild

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Man vs. Wild sounds like it would be one of those games you need to play because the idea of a Man vs. Wild game is awesome. It turns out that idea should stay inside your head for a very long time. Man vs. Wild is another game to come out in recent years that deserves the worst ratings a reviewer can give and I plan on being that reviewer that does so.

The gameplay on Man vs. Wild is ~censored~ terrible! You are (of course) Bear Grylls. We are reminded in numerous screens that Grylls is a professional and trying to do what he does is wrong and dangerous. No ~love~! Why waste the time to put that into the game? What sort of idiot is going to go into the Amazon and attack snakes with a ~censored~ twig from the ground? Bear Grylls can do it and now there is a video game, guess I can do it. No ~censored~! ~censored~ you Discovery Channel and Floor 84 Studio for putting out a game based on the television show because you know, even with the messages, people are going to be lovely. There blood is on your hands.

The Man vs. Wild game has 1 tutorial stage and 4 other stages that will bore you to death for around an hour or two. Of course I couldn’t finish the game due to a ~censored~ glitch, but we’ll get to that later in the review. All you do in these stages is get to Point A to Point B then Point B to Point C and so forth. It is a boring experience that could have only be created for a game based on a survival television show. Millions of people watch the show so I guess they’ll buy the game? That’s just like saying everyone is going to buy these ugly ass shoes because everyone has feet.

In the stages you attack snakes with twigs on the ground. Yes, these twigs are always on the ground during a snake battle so don’t worry. When you finish the snake battle, along with any other one, you have two choices. Kill the animal for meat or let it go. Bear Grylls doesn’t want you to be greedy so one animal kill, of that type, is more than enough. If I were trying to survive I’d kill every animal in sight with a small twig because a) killing an animal with a twig is badass, b) I could get hungry, and c) those bastards could kill me in my sleep, killing them now would make sure I’d survive.

Gamers can also collect worms, millipedes, and other things to get some protein. I hated to doing this because the animations and sound while eating is terrible. But I did eat when I cooked my meat since it did more for me. Start the fire, after I found a million items to start it, played a mini game to start the fire, and I was ready to turn the meat for a perfect, golden brown animal meat piece. Here is a real funny thing about the cooking feature in the game (a huge glitch). If you have a fire started and you mess up and use meat to eat, you’ll be teleported back to the fire. Might seem like no big deal, but the game gets messed up and you can’t move on because it feels you are still in the last part you were before. How in the ~censored~ could something that big occurs in a game? It’s 2011; this is a glitch from what the nineties?

The whole point to these stages is to experience what Bear Grylls goes through, even when he makes his shelters, fires, finds moss, cracks rocks, and maybe a dozen more boring things that should never have been made in a game. Satan himself must have made this game with Grylls. Both of them know ~love~ about video games and this shows with the concept and the controls. Oh ~censored~ hell, the controls are so terrible in this game; let’s just leave it at that please.

Most C Level games seem to have graphics that compare to the best looking Playstation 2 game. In the case of Man vs. Wild it looks like a entry level Playstation 2 game. Nothing about this game looks good and the water…holy ~love~ I think there are some N64 games that have better looking water. Sure Bear Grylls gets dirty when he adventures through these dangerous missions but it looks like ass.

Oh my God please don’t get me started on the audio in the game. There are some cutscenes that are ripped from the show, those are fine. Everything else sounds bad, even when Grylls talks it sounds bad. The music will make you want to rip your hair out as you standstill on hot coals. The only good sounding part in the game is when I kept yelling at the game, telling it how bad it was. Since that wasn’t part of the game I guess the audio still sucks. ~censored~ you Man vs. Wild!

What really killed me about this game was this glitch I came across. During the third stage I had to make a fire and a shelter. Nothing uncommon there, you have to do that ~love~ all the time. What happened with this though was I couldn’t find all the items I needed to do this. I searched everywhere and I came to this conclusion. There is only enough ingredients for one of the tasks. Trust me I tried a lot of times to complete this and I could not do it.

Final Verdict
Man vs. Wild is a bad attempt to try and make a few extra bucks off a television show that gets millions of viewers. Just stop and ask yourself this. Would you really have fun playing this game? The answer should be yes, trust me on this one. Skip Man vs. Wild at all costs.
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